sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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