so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
bring money and cleavage
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize