She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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