You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
