I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
