I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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