I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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