Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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