everyone is single if you try hard enough
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
