Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
