I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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