I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
