he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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