you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Apparently you make a good broom.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize