also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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