i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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