I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize