the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
