Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
