Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
