naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
