i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's shark week go big or go home
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
