I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
