They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
