that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
