I accidentally had phone sex last night
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
