come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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