I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
