You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
