Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize