Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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