god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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