his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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