How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
