so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
40s are totally the cure
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Randomize
