take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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