Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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