until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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