There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
