My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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