i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
