I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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