I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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