I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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