so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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