The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
