I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
