Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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