i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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