since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
