The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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