Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
