he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
