i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
