Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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