this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
