Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
