you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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