i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
