WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
