Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you didnt know i had herpes?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
